Post Grad

A combination of Josh Radin music, a conversation with my mom, and some discussion with the boy have me feeling very introspective tonight.

I was telling my mom about a new person I’ve gone on some dates with, somebody who I’m pretty excited about…someone who gives me the butterflies I’ve been wanting. She said towards the end of our conversation. “That all sounds great, I’m glad you were dating around before, figuring out what you want, just don’t get to excited. One day at a time.”

I’m not ready to move in, I’m not saying I want to marry him. I’m just excited, about the beginnings of a new relationship. I know she’s just trying to be mom, to ground me a little. But I want to be excited. I want to have the butterflies. This is my life and I want every moment to be filled with the excitement of possibility.

I’m not silly. I’m not naive enough to think that everything works out perfectly. But you know what, it is possible to find someone who makes you truly happy, and this could be it. I’m going to go ahead and just be open to falling.

Ive spent a lot of time in the past building up walls to not let people in, always afraid that if I let them in, I wouldn’t be able to make my dreams come true.

I don’t think that’s true anymore.

I’m still a little scared about sharing my feelings. I shared them with Joe, and he wasn’t ready. He pushed me away over and over. I had to watch everything I said, constantly worried that something I said would make him shut down completely. It didn’t make me feel good. 

So of course, I’m still scared a little. That if I open up, he won’t open up. If I make myself vulnerable, he won’t be right there with me.

But I refuse to live my life not saying what I feel. I refuse to be guarded and I refuse to put those walls up.

I don’t want to be hurt. But I truly believe that if you want the possibility with someone… you have to jump in, head first. 

There’s always a chance you are going to get hurt. But if you don’t take the chance, you can’t get the reward.

So there it is. I’m going to be me, the optimist. Here I am. I don’t know if I will feel this way next week, next month, next year. But I don’t care, because I feel it right now. I’m going to enjoy every minute instead of worrying that I’m rushing it. I’m not going to play games, I’m not going to use guarded words or put up walls.  I’m ready to just be open to it all. let things happen, and enjoy every moment.